The bet
Udurawana's neighbor walked into a bar around 9:58 PM & he saw Udurawana who stared up at the TV.
He sat down next to Udurawana. The Sirasa TV 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Udurawana looked at the neighbor and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
The neighbor says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
Udurawana replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The neighbor placed a RS 2000 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as Udurawana placed his money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. Udurawana was very upset and handed his RS 2000 to the neighbor saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
The neighbor replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 7 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."
Udurawana replies, "I did too; but I didn't think that stupid would do it again."
Udurawana's neighbor walked into a bar around 9:58 PM & he saw Udurawana who stared up at the TV.
He sat down next to Udurawana. The Sirasa TV 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Udurawana looked at the neighbor and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
The neighbor says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
Udurawana replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
The neighbor placed a RS 2000 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as Udurawana placed his money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. Udurawana was very upset and handed his RS 2000 to the neighbor saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
The neighbor replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 7 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."
Udurawana replies, "I did too; but I didn't think that stupid would do it again."
First person on Mars.
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one person could go, and he would never return to Earth.
The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
"A million dollars", he answered, "because I wish to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I wish to give a million to my family, he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement ofmedical research."
The last applicant was a Udurawana from Sri lanka. When asked how much money he wanted, He whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three milliondollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. Udurawana replied,
"$1 million is for you, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll give $1 million to the American or Russian and send him to Mars."
Misunderstanding
The homeowner was delighted with the way Udurawana had done all the paint work on his house.
"You did a great job," he said as he handed Udurawana his fees.
"Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra 500 bucks to take the wife out to dinner and a movie."
Udurawana declined, saying, "No, I can't accept that."
"I insist," said the man. "It would make me very happy if you do it."
"Well," said Udurawana reluctantly, but with appreciation, "If you really don't mind it, I'll do it."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was Udurawana, standing there in clean clothes, holding a bouquet of flowers.
Thinking that Udurawana had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you leave something behind?"
"Nope," replied Udurawana . "I'm just here to take the wife out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
Udurawana looks for a job in the police department.
Udurawana walks into the police department looking for a job. The DIG says they can't just turn his away, and orders to desk officer to ask him a few questions as if doing an interview.
Not having any idea what to ask him to disqualify his application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"
"Ummm... 4!" Udurawana says.
Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"
"Ummm... 10!" Udurawana says.
"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Mr. S.W.R.D Bandaranayake?"
"Ummm... I don't know," he admits.
"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out."
Udurawana goes home and calls up one of his friends, who asks him if he got the job.
"Not only I got the job," Udurawana says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"
Udurawana & the car door.
Udurawana, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of patrol. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.
A man was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The man noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the man said, "Hi there... what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert? "
The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.
A little while later the man noticed that the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. What are you doing? asked the the again.
As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.
Finally our Udurawana appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the man asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"
Well, he said, I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window.
Jobs at a mine
Udurawana and his friend Andapala decide to apply for jobs at a mine. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Andapala gets called in for his interview.
The boss asks Andapala if he had worked underground mines before?
Andapala says that he had.
The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?
Andapala says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."
The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"
On his way out, Andapala tells Udurawana to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground, so he could get the job.
Udurawana gets called in.
The boss asks Udurawana if he had worked underground mines before?
Udurawana says, "Oh sure."
The boss asks how deep underground he worked.
Udurawana says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."
The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"
Udurawana says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift only!"
Shortest story competition.
Udurawana happened to participate in a competition, which was about writing the shortest story. The organizers had put a condition that a story must have four ingredients viz. religion, sex, suspense and mystery.
Udurawana's turn came after many attempts by others. Udurawana gave a story, which was just one sentence and read : "Oh God, my wife is going to deliver a child".
Amused, the organizers asked Udurawana whether it contained all the four ingredients !!
Udurawana replied affirmatively and gave his explanation as below:
Oh God : religion
my wife: sex
going to deliver a child : suspense (whether a girl or a boy)
"Okay.... but where is the mystery ?" asked one of the organizers.
Udurawana replied : who is the father ??
He was declared the winner for writing the shortest story !
Archery contest.
Once upon a time there was an archery contest.
The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position...
He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow, which finds the center of the target.
Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM...... SURA SARADIYEL!!!
The crowd cheers!
The second archer with a cape lines up in position.
He fires his arrow, which hits the center and cuts Saradiyel's arrow into two!!!
He takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... VIRA PURAN APPU!!!!!!
The crowd cheers!!
Finally our Udurawana in cape lines up in position... He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!
It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!!
Then he takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... SORRY!
Intelligent Udurawana
There was this news that 200 people are killed in a train accident at the station. Only one man called Udurawana left alive.
The news reporter goes to Udurawana and the conversation between them goes as follows:
Reporter : How did this happen?
Udurawana : Well, all the 200 people were waiting for the train. They were standing on the platform. Then there was this announcement that "the train is arriving on platform number 2". They got scared to know that the train is arriving on the platform, hence they jumped onto the tracks to save themselves. The announcement was misleading the train arrived on the track and you can see the result.
Reporter : Well, I guess, you must be an intelligent guy. Why didn't you jump onto the tracks?
Udurawana : Actually I was trying to commit suicide. I was waiting for the train on the tracks. When I heard that the train is arriving on the platform, I climbed up.
Toilet brush.
Udurawana and his colleagues were at work one day when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought tickets, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
His colleague who won the first prize got six month's supply of chocolates.
Second prize winner got three month's supply of chocolates.
Udurawana won the tenth prize - A toilet brush.
About a week later, at the office canteen, the first prize winner asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said the second prize winner, "I love chocolates"
"So do I," said the first prize winner. "And how's the toilet brush?" he asked Dudurawana.
"Not so good," Udurawana said, "I think I'll go back to paper."
Experiment.
Udurawana was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned a Toyota car, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory.
His friend said, "Sure."
So Udurawana tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend, "I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 kmph. Udurawana was handling the speed just fine.
But, all of sudden, a black Honda car came up beside them and before you knew it, the fellow driving the Toyota car forgot all about Udurawana and his bicycle and took to drag racing the Honda.
A little further down the road, there was a high way traffic officer on his police motor bike with a speed radar gun in his hand. He pointed the speed radar gun at the two cars & noticed that the radar flashed 100 kmph.
He called into headquarters on his radio, "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Honda car and a Toyota car racing out here at the speed of 100 kmph on the High level road and there's a guy on a cycle keeps ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"
Refilling
Udurawana & his friend had to get across the desert. Since they didn't have enough money for a car, they decided to buy a camel.
The camel dealer promised them that the camel would get them across the desert if they made sure he was full of water before they left.
They took the camel down to the water hole, but the camel would not drink.
Udurawana's friend says, "I have a idea, I will hold his head down in the water and you suck on his butt. That way the water will be drawn up into him like a straw."
Udurawana thought about this for a while and finally agreed.
After a while the friend asks, "Is it working?"
Udurawana replied, "I think it is going to work, but you have to pick his head up just a little because I'm just getting mud."
Urine test
Udurawana had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn't take much more.
One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container and poured it into a urine specimen cup that the nurse had insisted he fill.
The nurse came in to check on him and looked at the specimen glass.
In her annoying voice, she snickered, "It seems we are a little cloudy today."
Udurawana put on his angry face, snatched the cup out of her hand and drank it down in a few quick gulps, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer this time."
Nice cheeks
Santa's wife got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery.
As a result, Udurawana offered the skin off his BUTT for the surgery.
She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.
One night Udurawana & his wife were watching TV when she broke down crying.
"What's the matter?" Udurawana asked.
Wife said "I can't believe you did this for me."
Udurawana hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."
But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.
To which Udurawana replied, "You don't need to repay me... you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."
Never work.
Udurawana is a government Employee. . One day, out of boredom, he decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for a beautiful Castle right now!"
He gets one. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
OOPS! He's back in his office again.
Parachute Test
Udurawana was asked to try out a new parachute with a radio link to a guy on the ground, the guy on the ground would say when to pull the release cord for the parachute.
Udurawana jumped out of the plane and started to fall when he reached a thousand feet the guy on the ground said ok pull the release cord now, Udurawana didn't take any notice and kept falling.
He got down to 500 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord you are getting close, but Udurawana just ignored him and kept falling.
He got down to 100 feet and the guy on the ground said quick pull the cord, Udurawana again ignored him.
He got down to 10 feet, the guy on the ground said this is your last chance you'll be killed if you don't pull the cord now.
Udurawana replied, "That's ok. I can jump from here!!"
Bus root number
Udurawana wanted to see the Lion rock(Sigiriya).
Unfortunately, he couldn't find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me officer, how do I get to the Lion Rock ?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number "46" bus. It'll take you right there."
He thanked the officer and the officer drove off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, Udurawana is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Lion Rock , I said to wait here for the number "46" bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
Udurawana replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 43rd bus just went by!"
Udurawana's wife
Udurawana wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
The fife was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Udurawana's went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was Udurawana on the other end.
"Hi, he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
His wife replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!
"What's that, sweetie?" asked Udurawana.
"How did you know I am at "KEELS SUPER?"
Crazy Wisdom
Udurawana is driving, passing the Angoda mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Udurawana is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the Rim Cap in which Udurawana had kept the wheel nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Udurawana is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey! Why don't you just take one nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Udurawana is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident.
Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."
Curtains.
Udurawana enters a store that sell curtains.
He tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Udurawana seemed to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.
Udurawana replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
Udurawana tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But, sir, computers do not have curtains!"
Udurawana says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"
Dream
Once Udurawana kept having the same weird dream every night, so he went to a doctor.
Doctor : What was your dream about?
Udurawana : I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor : (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Udurawana : I was running in a hall way.
Doctor : Then what happened?
Udurawana : Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep PUSHING the door and PUSHING the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor : Does the door have any letters on it?
Udurawana : Yes it did.
Doctor : And what did these letter spell?
Udurawana : It said "PULL"
Cross-Eyed Bull
Udurawana has a cross-eyed bull that keeps bumping into things.
He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.
The vet says, "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the bulls' eyes will straighten out."
The vet, a 70 year old man, inserts the pipe and blows. The bulls' eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the bulls' eyes are crossed again.
The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again.
The vet looks at Udurawana and says, "You look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try."
Udurawana agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the bulls' ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.
"s**t!!!" says the vet. "What in the hell did you do that for?"
Udurawana replies, " Do you think that I am going to put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your's on."
Sharing a Bed
Two drunks, Santa and Andapala, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Udurawana says, "Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?"
"You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.
"Whatever, whatever you shay."
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room.
After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
"Ahh," says Udurawana, "Now we can get some sleep at last."
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says Udurawana.
"There's somebody in my bed too!" says Andapala.
"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to sleep in the beds!" says Udurawana.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Andapala throws Udurawana on the floor.
"ALL RIGHT!!" Andapala shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."
"You're lucky," says Udurawana, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired to fight any more."
"Well, never mind," says Andapala, "Why don't you just come and share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."
Lost Tourist
A man from Colombo was touring Kandy and got lost. He saw Udurawana working in his field and stopped for directions.
Udurawana told him how to get back to Colombo.
The man wanted to talk a bit, so he asked Udurawana, "Is this your farm?"
"Yep", Udurawana answered.
"How big is it?" asked the tourist.
"Well, it starts down the road there where the creek is and follows the creek up and over the hill to about where you can see that big tree. Then it runs across back of the barn to a big pile of stones up yonder and then down along the fence there to the road up that way."
The tourist smiled and said, "Well, that's a nice place. Let me tell you about my place out in Colombo. I can get into my car and start out from one end of my property just as the sun is coming up in the east. I can drive all-day and just as the sun is setting in the west I reach to other end of my ranch. What do you think of that?"
Udurawana thought for a second or two, and then said, "I also had an old car like that some time back."
What wife needs
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, Udurawana and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, Udurawana held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, his wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 10-15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at Udurawana who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counselor spoke to Udurawana, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
Udurawana scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Wednesdays and Saturdays."
Udurawana & his son.
Udurawana's son returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father. "Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am your son?" "No son, that's because you are intelligent. " Udurawana replies.
Udurawana's son seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am your son ??"
"No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
Happy with the answer, the son poses another question to his father,
"Dad,today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am your son ??"
The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old.
Plane Crash
Udurawana was traveling to UK by a plane, There were one American, one Russian, one Indian and some other passengers.
Suddenly something went wrong pilot alarmed that plane lost it's control and some of the passengers have to jump out to rescue the rest of them.
Firstly the American jumped out saying " I Love America"
But the condition didn't change then the Russian jumped out from the plane saying " I Love Russia".
But the condition still the same. The next is Udurawana's turn.
He hesitated for a moment and pushed out the Indian by saying "I LOVE SRI LANKA".
Mysterious Deaths
This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed And on all Sunday morning at 11 AM, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with The supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.
So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.
So on next Sunday morning few minutes Before 11 AM, all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses,Prayer books And other holy objects to ward off evil........
Just when the! Clock struck 11...
And then......
Udurawana, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner
Udurawana in America
Udurawana was visiting his son who was in America for the very first time.
He was at a local food store going up and down the aisles with his son.
Udurawana asked, "What is this?
Udurawana's son, "Powdered orange juice"
Udurawana a bit confused, "Powdered orange juice?"
Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice."
A few minutes later, in a different aisle Udurawana asked again, "And what is this?
Son, "Powdered milk"
Udurawana, "Powdered milk??"
Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"
A few minutes later, in a different aisle...
Udurawana, "And have a look here!! Baby Powder !! What a country, What a country!"
Friened : Today I ran behind the bus and saved Rs 30.
Udurawana : You fool, if you ran behind a taxi, you could have saved Rs 300!!!.
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